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  "title": "봄84. 깨달음의 체험",
  "author": "유종열",
  "volume_number": 1,
  "volume_title": "늘봄의 생활",
  "local_bom_number": 84,
  "original_written_at": "2004-09-06",
  "canonical_text": "\n\n봄84.\n\n깨달음의\n체험 \n\n\n사람은 \n일생에 \n\n누구나 \n몇번 \n\n깨달음의 \n체험을 \n하는\n것 \n같다.\n\n그러나\n\n그러한 \n깨달음의 \n체험은 \n\n뜻하지 \n않게 \n\n우연하게\n온 \n것이기에 \n\n그것이 \n무엇인지 \n몰라 \n\n보존하지 \n못하고 \n\n다시금\n망각하고\n만다.\n\n내 \n경우는 \n\n자동차\n사고를 \n만났을 \n때 \n\n한번 \n있었고, \n\n또 \n한번은 \n\n뛰어가다가\n\n무엇인가에 \n걸려\n\n넘어지는\n순간에 \n\n그런 \n체험이 \n일어났었다.\n\n자동차가 \n빙판길을\n갑자기 \n미끄러지면서\n기울어 \n\n180도 \n돌아 \n\n맞은 \n도로에 \n서기까지의 \n\n그 \n순간!\n\n그 \n순간! \n\n죽음과 \n삶을 \n가름할 \n수 \n없는 \n\n절대절명의 \n(絶對絶命)\n순간이었다.\n\n그런데 \n오히려\n\n담담하게\n\n바라봄이 \n거기 \n있었다.\n\n어떤\n생각이나 \n감정도\n\n일어나지 \n않는 \n것이었다.\n\n그 \n짧은\n순간이\n\n무척이나 \n길게 \n느껴졌다.\n\n그것은 \n나에게는\n\n무척이나 \n이상한 \n체험이었다.\n\n그러나 \n\n그것이 \n\n무엇인지\n몰라 \n\n생활 \n가운데\n\n다시금 \n\n묻히고 \n말았다.\n\n그로부터 \n\n5년이 \n지나고 \n\n다시\n10년의 \n세월을\n\n자아탐구에 \n바치고 \n나서야 \n\n그때 \n\n그 \n체험이 \n\n바로 \n깨달음의 \n체험이었음을 \n알게 \n되었다.\n\n나는\n10년\n동안 \n\n거의\n모든 \n경전을 \n독파하고 \n\n거의 \n모든 \n수행법을 \n따라 \n해보았지만 \n\n깨달음을 \n얻는\n데 \n실패하였다.\n\n그리하여 \n\n나는 \n\n나도 \n모르는 \n사이에 \n\n내면을 \n향해\n\n돌아봄의 \n생활을 \n시작하였다. \n\n돌아봄의 \n초기에는 \n\n몸의\n동작관찰을 \n\n주로\n했고 \n\n나중에는 \n\n생각과 \n느낌과 \n감정의 \n일어나고 \n사라짐에서 \n\n잠시라도 \n\n눈을 \n떼지 \n않았다. \n\n그렇게\n\n돌아봄의 \n생활이\n시작되어 \n\n앉으나, \n서나,\n자나, \n깨나 \n\n지속되었고 \n\n심지어 \n꿈을 \n꾸면서도\n지속되고 \n\n깊이\n잠들어서도 \n\n여전히 \n돌아봄이 \n사라지지 \n않았다. \n\n깊은 \n잠 \n속에서도\n\n돌아봄이 \n지속되었지만 \n\n거기에는 \n\n돌아보는 \n자가\n\n도사리고 \n있었던 \n것이다. \n\n그런 \n가운데\n\n무언가 \n밀리는\n감이 \n있고 \n\n밀리지 \n않고\n\n안으로 \n파고 \n들어가려는 \n욕망이 \n\n극에 \n달하는 \n순간이\n\n마침내 \n도래하였다. \n\n마지막 \n젖먹던 \n힘까지 \n기울여 \n\n안으로\n파고 \n들고 \n\n파고 \n들기를 \n거듭하던 \n\n그 \n절대절명의 \n순간!\n\n갑자기 \n그렇게 \n집요하게 \n파고들며 \n\"바라보던 자\"가\n\n사라져버린 \n것이다. \n\n\"바라보는 자\"와\n\"보이는 자\"가\n\n하나가 \n되어\n\n사라진 \n것이다. \n\n거기에는\n\n봄이 \n있었다.\n\n지금 \n생각하니 \n\n자동차 \n사고 \n때\n체험한 \n것과\n\n똑같은 \n체험이었다.\n\n그러나 \n\n깨달은 \n것은 \n확실한데 \n\n아직 \n\n살활자재하는 \n(殺活自在)\n능력이\n없어 \n\n다시금 \n\n고통의 \n세월이 \n지속되었다. \n\n이때의 \n고통은 \n\n도저히\n말로서 \n표현하기가\n힘들다. \n\n깨달으면 \n끝나는 \n줄 \n알았는데\n\n깨닫기 \n이전이나 \n똑같았다.\n\n그로부터 \n10년의 \n세월이 \n\n더\n흘러간\n뒤 \n\n어떤 \n경계가 \n와도 \n\n두려움이 \n없는 \n경지가 \n되었고\n \n일자무식이 \n되었고 \n\n알거지가\n되었다. \n\n말하자면 \n\n보림의 \n세월이요 \n\n바라봄의 \n세월이었던 \n것이다. \n\n20년의 \n세월이 \n지난 \n지금 \n\n늘봄은 \n현전하고 \n있다. \n\n항상 \n눈 \n앞에 \n현전한다. \n\n마침내 \n\n마음과 \n몸을 \n다루는 \n\n주인의 \n힘과\n기술을\n갖추게 \n된 \n것이다.\n\n노하우를 \n(knowhow)\n습득하게 \n된 \n것이다.\n\n아는 \n능력과\n\n행하는 \n능력은\n\n다른 \n차원이다.\n\n그와 \n같이 \n\n깨달음의 \n체험과 \n\n깨달음의 \n능력도 \n다르다.\n\n아기와\n어른이\n\n다른 \n것과 \n같이\n\n다르다.\n\n\n-2004.09.06\n\n\n\n\n",
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